


142. sad prayers for guilty bodies

by piggy09



Series: The Sestre Daily Drabble Project [225]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 06:59:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9645434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: Sarah cares about her so much it aches. Sarah wishes the rebar had hit. Sarah wants to go home. Or: Sarah wants to go home and then drag Helena after her like a kite-tail, so Helena can kill everyone Sarah has ever loved. And then they won’t love her anymore. And then the two of them can just keep going like this forever, spiraling into something even more awful than before.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [warnings: self-harm, drug use, abuse, violence]

Sarah threw out her phone three weeks ago - straight into the trashcan, so hard it shattered into circuitry. They’ll all get over it; this isn’t the first time she’s vanished. Kira hasn’t seen her in ten months. What’s ten more months? What’s ten more years? What does any of it matter?

The other day she and Helena were in a hotel room and Sarah picked up a lamp and hurled it across the room, just ‘cause she’s sick of it. What she’s sick of she doesn’t know, but she’s so tired. Helena, on the bed next to her, had just grinned. Her eyes hooded. Her smirk leonine. Sarah hates her too, sometimes, but Helena loves that and so it never feels as good as Sarah wants it to. Lamp hits the wall, shatters. Light goes out.

She wishes every day she hadn’t said _yes_ , when Helena – Helena kneeling, Helena on her knees, Helena in that white nightgown bleeding Sarah’s blood and desperate for Sarah to want her—

(and when is the last time someone has been desperate for Sarah’s attention and Sarah’s approval and who would kiss her knee and whisper _please_ and who sees a light in her, who sees anything in her)

(sometimes she thinks _well Kira would_ but Kira is a kid and she’ll grow out of it)

(she probably will grow out of it, Sarah doesn’t have to feel guilty for leaving her behind)

—when Helena had said _let me save you_. Every day when Sarah wakes up to Helena’s breath sticky on her throat, her very first thought is that she should finish the job she started with that rebar. She should go home.

She thinks Helena can tell. As soon as the thought is fully-formed Helena will whine, cling on tight to her like mistletoe. Helena clings in her sleep. Helena kicks. Helena shakes the both of them with nightmares. Sarah keeps trying to get Helena to sleep in the other bed – she keeps trying to get hotel rooms with two beds – but it doesn’t work. She can’t quite make it stick. Sarah’s kudzu-girl, every bit of Helena growing up desperate.

Sarah doesn’t even know where Helena is leading them. Helena finds money, and Sarah never asks questions. Sarah finds hotel rooms, and Helena doesn’t ask about those. There’s a lot they don’t ask – Helena’s back blotching red through borrowed shirts, dresser drawers ripped out and thrown across the room, the way crying sounds when it’s just on the edge of being a howl. When Sarah threw her phone in the trash Helena didn’t even question it, just threw hers in too.

“Now we are free,” she’d said. Everything she says sounds either desperately sincere or faintly mocking. Sarah can never tell if she’s lying.

In sleepy towns Helena buys them cotton candy and laughs when it vanishes between their fingers. In big cities Sarah drags Helena to clubs and makes out hungrily with men against the wall until Helena figures it out and finds her own to kiss. They get too drunk. They hurt each other. In an arc of broken beer bottle glass Helena bandages Sarah’s hand up and tells her she’s never had a friend before, not like this. She says she is so happy, now that Sarah is her friend.

She is. Happy. Sarah can see it shining in her; Sarah can see the light in her. That’s the very worst part, that this makes Helena so happy.

Sarah cares about her so much it aches. Sarah wishes the rebar had hit. Sarah wants to go home. Or: Sarah wants to go home and then drag Helena after her like a kite-tail, so Helena can kill everyone Sarah has ever loved. And then they won’t love her anymore. And then the two of them can just keep going like this forever, spiraling into something even more awful than before.

She doesn’t know where they’re going, but someday they’re going to get there. Sarah takes Helena’s hand and hurls the two of them at every wall in front of them. All she wants anymore is to shatter.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please kudos + comment if you enjoyed! :)


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